As I get older, I wonder if time is passing too quickly, if I’m getting better with age or worse and if I am living life enough. I love to look back, yet moving forward feels great because some of what I look back at can be painful, as I am sure it can be for many people. But, as I look back over the last 34 years, it’s just fun to see the transformation of ‘me’. Putting aside life accomplishments, where I’ve been and all that jazz, just looking at ‘me’ was humorous and reminded me that while my childhood was challenging, it wasn’t all that bad either.

This was two and three…my brother is with me on the left and my first stepsister on the right, (yes, there was more than one), her name was Jill. She had fantastic hair that I was super jealous of because it was braid-friendly. Mine, not-so-much.

My grandparents got us to laugh in the picture on the left by demonstrating a good ol’ fashion game of 52 pickup. Apparently, it really got those belly laughs going for my brother and I.  And, who knew wheel barrows were so much fun? That’s the thing about my childhood, we didn’t have much, so we improvised.

This was 9 – apparently I was very fashion forward. I mean, check out that belted waist and those ankle boots. And, let’s not forget the jelly shoes WITH socks. I loved that belt and those boots. The belt had a large butterfly clasp. It was fabulous. The boots were hand-me-downs but I didn’t care, they were awesome…and apparently went with pink play shorts. {ahem}. See those barbies, also hand-me-downs at Christmas, my aunt had picked them up from a friend for a great bargain and she had managed to snag us a barbie house, lots of barbies and accessories. It was like winning the lottery for me. I had played with so many tissue boxes as beds that this was the BEST. Christmas. EVER. as you can see by my very large ear-to-ear grin.

This was 12, 15, and 17.

By 17 I had finally figured out the bangs and apparently, mid-drift tops were all the rage through my later teen years.  I have a picture in college too..but I’m holding a bottle vodka, at age 19….so I left it off. No braces though, those came at 24 when I had a J-O-B after college. And a sugar daddy, aka the Husband. He was my sugar daddy for about 9 months when we lived in sin prior to marriage. He did put a ring on it though, so there’s that.

But, I digresss.

Weren’t we sweet? This is 22.

And…this, my friends was 31. We had made it through the twins, were leaving our lovely home in Hawaii to come back to the mainland and wanted to capture where we were living with photos. These are some of my favorite photos of all time.

And this, my friends, is 34

Not too shabby. Thinking life gets better with age. Especially considering I gave up on the bangs…and mid-drift tops.

So many things I want to do.

So many things I HAVE to do.

So many people I want to spend time with.

There’s never enough time in the day.

For example, these are all the books I have picked up in the last year (give or take a few). All have been read … chapters here and there … many not read more than a third of the way through.

Not because they aren’t great…simply because I am constantly distracted, always consumed by a life of children, house cleaning…(oh that laundry pile. LOATHE the laundry pile)…just to list a few.

Did I mention how life with twins makes it feel like I have many more children than I actually do?

I’m looking to regroup and organize my time so I have some days where things feel balanced.

More balanced.

Slightly….

ok, just less chaotic….where I actually make time to read and learn.

The teacher in me misses learning new things through reading books like those you see above. Those that teach me how to do my job well, those that share the life experiences of others and inspire me to live my life in a positive way and those that help me gain additional perspective on parenting so I can raise my daughters to be the best people they can be.

But, that balance thing, it’s elusive… I hear…or…so I know… and have experienced…quite regularly.

Just keeping things real.

But, I’m seeing a light at the end of my chaotic tunnel and I have hope to get all…ok, a select FEW…of the pieces and parts of my life in order. (don’t burst my bubble, M’kay?)

Obviously, I’m not fitting it all in so well and this stack of learning goodness is begging me to read. I sit myself in our room of books and stare at them while I sip my morning coffee willing myself to read and, just as I reach for one, it is then that little feet make their way down,  (before 7am with princess dress in hand)…and thus begins the day of interruptions.

**sigh**

How do you organize your time? What tools do you use? I would LOVE to have new inspiration for fitting these things into life a little better.

I will appreciate and be thankful for…

My sweet Madison who is in love with dress up. And laughter. And mischief.

I have been reminded that her mischief is part of her tenacity and spirit and it will serve her well in life to reach her goals. I will try to nurture that and channel it, rather than wish it away because I am so overwhelmed with the many things we have going on in our lives.

I am thankful for my child.

I will appreciate and be thankful for my first born. My lovely, remarkable, strong girl. She is growing up before my eyes and I let too many mornings rush by without enough hugs and looking into her eyes to remind her she is loved, wanted, and missed while she is away each day at school. I let my patience escape me too often, and I forget to remind her how fantastic I think she is… each. and. every. day. I forget to tell her that she makes the world a better place just by being her. She is intuitive and compassionate. Her witty ways, silly nature and love for family makes me want to be a better person. She makes me better by simply being in my life.

To think she could walk out our door and never return… as the children in Oklahoma did today…is simply unfathomable.

I am honored and thankful for the life I am spending with my oldest daughter, Jordan.

I will appreciate and be thankful for the silly, ridiculous and laughter-filled moments that have forever captured the love I share with Charlotte. Even if I do look like a big dork (and will seriously question why I chose to publish this series of photos on my blog…ahem).

She is funny, intelligent and full of life. Her spirit is light and insightful. Her love for me and her  family radiates and I do not appreciate each and every moment as I should. I will stop scoffing at having to carry her up two flights of stairs simply because she wants to be cuddled while being taken to bed, and instead, enjoy her embrace.

I am so blessed to have this child in my life.

My three daughters fill my life with love, light and laughter. The give me more than I could have imagined and like many moms, I become overwhelmed, often consumed by the tasks of the day. Laundry to do, dishes to put away and work to get done. I forget to pause and just be present.

I was reminded of the importance of this today.

Finally…the husband. He doesn’t like to be on the blog – too bad.

We’ve been at this nearly 11 years and I do not appreciate my time with him as I should and it shouldn’t take something like this to remind me of that, but it did…and sadly often does because man…we have a ton going on these days. All those kids and stuff.

{ahem}

I will work harder to be present for him – to show him love, attention and friendship – even if I am mad that he left his socks on the floor for the 5,434,214 time or I’m exhausted from yet another day of toddler antics – because I am thankful for him, and he should know that.

My heart is breaking for the families of Oklahoma, especially those who lost their children in Moore,  because they had hardly begun living. The best we can all do, outside of the obvious donation efforts, is to honor them all by loving our own children and family members that much more and better than we have… making sure that no matter what happens when they leave our presence, we all have that….

because nothing is guaranteed.

**If you’re interested in helping the families of Moore, Oklahoma, I encourage you to donate and offer support to the American Red Cross – more information here - they have already begun executing plans to help, but they will need more.**

I’ve never blasted a brand publicly before. I’ve never taken such issue with something so strongly but I feel it’s necessary to put this brand in the hot seat for it’s horrible brand ideals.

It recently came to my attention that the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch, Mike Jeffries was quoted saying the following about his brand in 2006:

“That’s why we hire good-looking people in our stores,” Jeffries said. “Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that.” He went on: “In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”

Really?

This is one of the most popular brands among tweens and teens and this is your ultimate goal?  I even see some of my adult friends sporting their favorite tees and this is what the brand represents – not impressed. Quite frankly it angers me.

I take serious issue with this marketing approach and the implications it has on our children – both boys and girls. What messages are we sending them? That you can only be worthy of being ‘cool’ if you look the part? There is no merit to personality, educational or personal accomplishments nor how you are as a friend and human being?

What is wrong with this picture people?

I guess I should have figured this was their message when all of their life-sized posters depicted such images – shame on me for sticking my head in the sand and giving them the benefit of the doubt. I never in my life thought that their CEO actually looked to exclude a specific set of kids. And then to actually state that out loud?

Despicable.

It’s hard enough to be a teen these days, let alone to feel excluded because you can’t afford, fit or otherwise be able to shop in a specific store because you don’t fit into a certain mold. Abercrombie & Fitch is part of the ever expanding self-image issues that teens have these days. They are far worse than they were when I was growing up (pre-internet, dating myself here), and believe me, there were plenty then.  We have teens exploiting themselves online begging for people to tell them they are pretty through Instagram photo contests and Youtube videos – it’s a disheartening trend of insecurity and I am fearful for the future of our youth’s feelings of self-worth.

We should not be supporting a brand that perpetuates their issues even more.

It’s no secret I grew up of very meager means. I was the thrift store kid – Abercrombie and Fitch was not on my radar, nor within our budget. But, I actually take pride in the fact that if my girls want a specific brand, we could manage to get it for them, within reason. But, I tell you what, we’ll be steering clear of brands that promote “thin, cool and exclusivity” as their mantra.

They’ll look fantastic without that A&F logo on their hoodie. Thankyouverymuch.

Image via Flickr/lifeSkies

1. When your child wakes, she insists on wearing a tutu or some sort of dress-up ensemble. She insists on wearing said ensemble to school. There may or may not have been multiple days of this to include a Tinkerbell dress.

2. Your girls play together no matter what their age difference. At almost any given time you can hear them laughing that lovely belly laugh that makes all the sleepless nights, ‘horrible-three’ tantrums and worry-filled hospital stays worth it.

3. They snuggle with you and one another every morning. Sure, you are often the one ousted from your bed because of all of those extra knees and elbows, but it’s the best sight in the world to look at their little faces all cuddled up together in one spot because you know they’ll always have one another no matter what.

4. They make you laugh with their antics and humor.

Each day they show more and more of their individual personalities but what is even more lovely is how their personalities often work together so well. They compliment one another.

5. They are free spirits, lovers of music and know how to have a great time. They have yet to realize the tough stuff in life and it’s a beautiful thing to watch them enjoy the world around them.

6. They make you better. They push you to try harder, learn more, and be the best person that you can be so they will grow up with a good example in front of them.

What are the qualities and traits that make your kids awesome? 

Each Mother’s Day brings bittersweet emotions. When I chose to become a mother, I didn’t realize that it would entail this constant roller coaster of emotions that brings joy simultaneously with sadness.

As I watch my daughters grow up, I find it harder and harder to understand the actions of those who choose to have children and then cause them irreparable harm. I used to cope with how I was brought up by telling myself it could be worse. I wasn’t in a situation that entailed horrific abuse, and I am so unbelievably thankful for that – which is why, up until I became a mother, I wasn’t angry at my parents. But then I realized, that being left behind, being neglected,  being lied to, being taken advantage of when I simply wanted a relationship with the people who were supposed to love me the most – well, that leaves a person a little worse for the wear. Especially when that person becomes a mother and comes to realize the enormity of those actions.

My father and I have come a long way since I had that realization after my first child was born seven years ago. He heard me out, he took my emotions to heart and apologized.  I’ve come to an understanding as to who he is and who he will never be. I forgave him and we’ve got a relationship based on what he’s capable of with a healthy dose of caution. My girls all know him as Grandpa and they enjoy the rare card game or fishing hole excursion when we do see him. He’s actually pretty good with kids overall, he just wasn’t ready to have them at 17.

My mother was never around. I forgave her for that because I understood why. She was dealing with her own living hell and when she finally found herself out of it, I had hope that we would move on to the future together. What I didn’t realize is that she had no real attachment to me. If she did, she would not have lied to me repeatedly and taken advantage of me for her own gain. When this all came to light, I worked through it, and we tried to rebuild yet again, only to find new lies underneath the surface years later.  I grappled with the decision to permanently cut ties for a very long time. It’s very hard to let go of that vision of a mother-daughter relationship. I had spent many years with other women acting as ‘mom’ – it was hard to believe that they could show more love and honor than my actual mother, but they did. They’re why I’m ok.  When a person continues to manipulate and lie to you to help themselves, you come to realize you have to simply wish them well and move on. So that’s what I did.

Sort of.

The moving on part has been the hardest.

The scars remain. The hurt still weighs on my heart. The pain sometimes makes it hard to breathe.

I can’t imagine a day without my girls, so I don’t know how she walked away from her oldest daughter and I don’t know how, when she had the opportunity to reconnect, she took that to such a negative place. Repeatedly.

I will never understand.

Each Mother’s Day is bittersweet as I spend the day with my daughters who give me a love I have never known before. And, to see all of the declarations from my friends to their lovely mothers who were there for them, have always been there for them and will be – to put it simply, it’s sad.

This is not to say there isn’t a need for forgiveness between mothers and daughters. Because I know I will need it from my girls. I think this is why I apologize when I have lost my temper or responded the wrong way to something. I admit my mistakes readily because I want them to know I’m human, but honesty is a given and that our relationship will be based on that.

I think I’m working my way to the letting go/forgiveness part with my mother, a lot of the anger has dissipated…it’s the heartbreak and sadness that lingers on. I suppose because I know that forgiveness doesn’t equal relationship….because it can’t. We simply can’t go back, and it’s better for my girls that they have no connection to someone with toxic decision making skills. It means, I wish her well. I hope for the best for her and her relationships with her other three children, at least she has the bonds I had hoped for, with them. I have realized that our path is no longer one together.

Although…I guess it never really was together and she made certain of that.

Have you had a toxic family member or friend in your life that you had to come to terms with letting go? 

Happy Mother’s Day my friends.

You are nothing short of remarkable.

When you imagine marriage as a little girl, you think of the fairy tale…the magic.

You don’t see to the future of ups, down, hills and valleys that life tosses your way. Because, if it were just the two of you all the time, it would be that magic.  You don’t see struggle or challenging days in a hospital with your kids or deployments that arrive, but then are delayed and then arrive again.

You only feel the magic within those early days in love and it becomes impossible that those feelings could ever dissipate or be affected by life.  But, then life happens and you realize it’s not so simple and marriage takes work and a commitment to going back to those magical days in the midst of your most challenging times.

So, sometimes, you just need time away, time to regroup, re-set and re-focus.

The husband and I did just that this weekend.

We had a nice dinner…

Sat at a bar and chatted over a cold beer without the worry of getting home by a certain time to our littles because they were in really good hands….the hands of their grandparents who happened to be visiting from out of state.

We slept in and lingered over our morning coffee and indulged in a breakfast that little hands would never allow us to enjoy under normal circumstances.

We were in town to see a friend retire, so there was an official purpose to be away from our children and good reason to see the husband in uniform…

I still remember over ten years ago when he showed up to meet me in Savannah, rose in hand, full dress uniform. It’s as romantic as it sounds folks… and he still ruffles my feathers when he dresses in uniform.

Hot.

Sometimes, a little time away is needed to regroup, refocus and remember why you love each other.

It wasn’t a perfectly serene time. We even had a disagreement while we were there….but, that’s the nature of life when you have so many different things going on….including a deployment looming and the pressure of making each and every moment count because you only have a precious few left before that dreaded separation starts.  So, I choose to look back and reflect on these moments above. These quiet moments together that were just us. Moments that are so few and far between these days and that will be even fewer in the not so distant future due to our military service commitments.

Thanks Grandma and Gramps. We needed this time away.

Do you make it a point to get a night away from the kids? How do you make time to focus on your relationship – even if you can’t make a night or weekend of it? 

It’s hard after a day like today to see the positives.

I started my day reading about a lovely family that has endured so much loss, it’s unimaginable.

My heart was so heavy. It remains heavy at this late hour.

It became even more important to me to focus on the good and to focus on my many blessings.

I decided to honor the loss that was being endured by focusing on my own blessings – I knew that was one way to honor this remarkable family and more importantly, their son.

It was like Madison knew I needed her embrace. I came upstairs, and she came running to me with so much joy on her face – her little mischievous giggle, arms wide open.  My child who can be my most worrisome with her special needs and stubborn nature, has also gifted me with such love and I feel so blessed because of that.

It’s quite remarkable just how much love my three daughters give me. I often feel unworthy.

We spent several hours today together focused on fun, which included heading out for a play date so we could be in the company of those who often bring us comfort and joy – good friends.

As I continued through my day, I was reminded in my thoughts that I need to cherish the simple gifts I’ve been given.

Silly moments with paper towel towers….

and little treasures that express love from my oldest child…

And then, refocused, refreshed, I rose from my nap with the twins (because, snuggles with them mid-day seem to be a norm around here) to the news of the Boston Marathon explosion.

And, again, my heart plunged into sadness. My mind has been fixated, and I am just SO disheartened.

So, I watch… and I zero in on all this negativity for a bit, until I then see, the helpers. And I realized, amidst this chaos caused by a few (or perhaps only one), there is still so much good. 

I saw two men in military uniform go into the area following the bombing and immediately begin to pull scaffolding and bleachers off of the injured.

I saw strangers helping strangers, people running in to the bomb site rather than away from it, trying to help those in need, without concern for themselves.

I began to focus on the helpers.

And I was touched.

Sometimes, the simplest of things say the most – I came across a quote, from a childhood gem, a man who was a part of my life for so many years as a child … a quote that helped me remember that most people are good.

I’ve been at a loss for how to tell my oldest daughter about this event – but I was reminded as I walked her into Gymnastics gym to the loud discussions of parents about the events unfolding in Boston, without concern of the little ears surrounding them, that I had to find a way.

I realized that she was going to learn how to cope with these tragedies from me, or from those around her who create even more chaos and anxiety through their discussions – without regard for those who aren’t equipped to deal with them yet.

Not only did I speak up to those mothers, as my 7 year-old sat next to me, to please, wait to discuss the unfolding events until the little ears were in their class, but I also finally found my way to helping her through this time through a simple quote.

So as you sit glued to the unfolding events, remember the little ears that are listening and remember to keep them in mind. Keep their exposure limited, but understand that they will hear about this, and it’s ok to talk about it. And, I think the above, might be the best way to put their hearts at ease during this time.

I know it did mine.

Finally, say a prayer or three. So far, that’s the number of lives lost, and there are so many more in critical care. It’s our job to continue to spread the positivity as much as we can so we can lift up those who have been devastated by this event as well as teach our children how to cope with events like this, because the sad truth is, they will happen again.

So with that in mind…

Focus on the helpers.

Focus on the good.

I’m not a failure.

I’m just not.

Right?

These are the thoughts in my head recently…

They’re three. There are TWO of them. I’m a military spouse who has to deal with raising them on my own a good bit of the time.

I’m not failing.

It’s just hard to see the looks and not feel judged. It’s hard to know that I’m likely being seen as if I am not doing a good job as their mother to those who are observing from the outside, with only a small window of time, looking in.

I feel their judgements – “You’re failing. They’re running your life. They are not good children”

No, I’m not. No, they’re not.

You are wrong.

But, for now, I have to be confident in that knowledge because I’m the only one who sees it. I am the one who knows them, who knows the ins and outs of our life as a whole. I know which battles I choose to fight with them and which ones I choose to let go for sake of sanity. Such is life as a parent of small children.

But it doesn’t make it less painful when you see the obvious - “you’re doing it wrong” looks…or even whispers within your view.

And that’s painful.  It’s painful to feel like I’m the only one who enjoys my kids and can appreciate them for who they are and their many gifts. Even though I know I’m not the only one. But when important people in your life make you feel that way, it does isolate you into feeling alone – like a mama bear who needs to protect.

Who has to defend and shout to the rooftops that my children are quite simply…

Remarkable.

Beautiful.

Spirited.

Challenging.

Worth it.

I am their mother, and I am about over the judgements. Period.

You think I am failing.

I am not failing. 

I am simply dealing with the natural challenges of parenting. It’s a big job folks and one that takes perseverance - especially when you have faced many challenges from varying angles of your life.  We are blessed. We are so very blessed. These kids weren’t supposed to be here. 50% odds with those twins up there, you’re damn right they are spirited fighters! How else did they make it through 3 months in the NICU?

I wouldn’t have expected anything less from them as they grew.

I choose to focus now on what I’m doing well and what they are doing well. I choose to not hear anything other than the positive, because we will get through this time in our life. The chaos that is life with toddlers.  I will hold them to high expectations as they begin to grow into that age of accountability. It is a process, it does not happen overnight. We will overcome it and we will prove that they are exactly what I already know them to be.

Lovely. Funny. Filled with Joy. Fighters. Lovers. Kind. Empathetic. Creative. Intelligent. Remarkable. Inspiring. Courageous. Hysterical. Giving. 

I am proud of them. I am proud of who I have raised.

I am not failing.