I’m not a failure.
I’m just not.
These are the thoughts in my head recently…
They’re three. There are TWO of them. I’m a military spouse who has to deal with raising them on my own a good bit of the time.
I’m not failing.
It’s just hard to see the looks and not feel judged. It’s hard to know that I’m likely being seen as if I am not doing a good job as their mother to those who are observing from the outside, with only a small window of time, looking in.
I feel their judgements – “You’re failing. They’re running your life. They are not good children”
No, I’m not. No, they’re not.
You are wrong.
But, for now, I have to be confident in that knowledge because I’m the only one who sees it. I am the one who knows them, who knows the ins and outs of our life as a whole. I know which battles I choose to fight with them and which ones I choose to let go for sake of sanity. Such is life as a parent of small children.
But it doesn’t make it less painful when you see the obvious – “you’re doing it wrong” looks…or even whispers within your view.
And that’s painful. It’s painful to feel like I’m the only one who enjoys my kids and can appreciate them for who they are and their many gifts. Even though I know I’m not the only one. But when important people in your life make you feel that way, it does isolate you into feeling alone – like a mama bear who needs to protect.
Who has to defend and shout to the rooftops that my children are quite simply…
I am their mother, and I am about over the judgements. Period.
You think I am failing.
I am not failing.
I am simply dealing with the natural challenges of parenting. It’s a big job folks and one that takes perseverance – especially when you have faced many challenges from varying angles of your life. We are blessed. We are so very blessed. These kids weren’t supposed to be here. 50% odds with those twins up there, you’re damn right they are spirited fighters! How else did they make it through 3 months in the NICU?
I wouldn’t have expected anything less from them as they grew.
I choose to focus now on what I’m doing well and what they are doing well. I choose to not hear anything other than the positive, because we will get through this time in our life. The chaos that is life with toddlers. I will hold them to high expectations as they begin to grow into that age of accountability. It is a process, it does not happen overnight. We will overcome it and we will prove that they are exactly what I already know them to be.
Lovely. Funny. Filled with Joy. Fighters. Lovers. Kind. Empathetic. Creative. Intelligent. Remarkable. Inspiring. Courageous. Hysterical. Giving.
I am proud of them. I am proud of who I have raised.
I am not failing.